Friends

These gifs depict my emotions

Help this poor birb

On the topic of friends.  It is really late right now and I can't sleep.  I am trying to get my homework done, but I have a thing stuck in my head and it won't come out.  So I thought I would write this on my blog.  I hope to not offend anyone.  Whenever I start to get close to someone there is always that nagging voice in my head that says they don't care about you!  I forget who said this but someone asked me did you really lose friends that quickly as a child that you have to reconfirm so often?  That came as a surprise to me, because it seems so second nature to me.  The friends I made as a child were my friends for quite a long time, so that statement wasn't very true.  The best friend I made while at school was someone very close and dear to me.  However I haven't talked to them in years.  I get a panic attack whenever I go near somewhere that we talked at a lot.  I find myself sitting in the places that we met at.  I don't really know why but I can't erase those precious moments out of my head.  The moments with this friend were good and terrifying.  I have made other friends since him, but none of them looked at me the way he did.  None of them have talked to me the way he did, with such tenderness and forgiveness.  I am not saying that I want to see him, I am just saying that I miss him, it is just hard to forget someone like that when I am so close to the places we spent time at.  Okay?  I just find it hard to get close to people because I want confirmation that people like me every day.  Or else I will think that they don't care about me at all.  Which is a bad habit to have.  I don't really understand why I do this. (Side note it Isn't just my asbergers, it's a lot of other things dude)  I feel like no one will like me because I have so many weird quirks.  Recently someone said, that everyone has quirks, no one is really weird.  Which was pretty interesting to me because I feel like I should be able to fit in? Right. Why did it always feel like people forced themselves to talk to me?  Why did people just let me cry and never ask if I was okay?  Than why was I bullied so much?  People don't really like people that are different.  Someone once told me a long time ago, that people don't want to hang out with the weird person.  I always felt like I wasn't a part of the group.  Everyone would be talking and I would be running to the other side of the room.  Why, because I saw something shiny.  I feel like if you ignore someone once you offend them for life.  Several times in my life I had a really good conversation with someone, than they said something to me in passing.  I would ignore them because I assumed they weren't talking to me.  Than they would never talk to me again.  Even though I saw them several times a week.  Which is really weird and I was always to shy to ask why they didn't want to talk to me anymore.  I remember girls camp, I would lay in my bed and avoid everyone.  They would ignore me until the older girls came in, because it was my sister and she didn't want me to be the weird girl.  I don't like having sleepovers with girls I don't know.  They put their beds together sometimes and it made me really really uncomfortable.  I remember someone put a toy on my bed, I remember throwing it across the room because I didn't want their pity.  I have always been really good at  making people laugh but never at making them like me.  Idk if this ramble makes any sense but eh, I feel better now. Oh I forgot to write a resolution.  Fine in Eric's response he said that it would be the best to just be myself.  I guess I always try to act like everyone else.  So maybe I should stop being afraid and actually be myself for once. Okay happy now?  Goodbye.  I go do my homework now.  Also one of my friends responded to my blog where I talked about this, and it made me think even more.  Drat you ERIC!  You made me think of something because I made you think of something!  Woah this is so meta. Did I just reiterate what I already said in the last post.  Ah well, that just who I am, this is my blog.  Please leave me a comment, its makes me glad.